Rent-a-Joan

So I know you’re all just itching to know what’s going on with Joan. She doesn’t change much day to day, just a constant annoyance that sometimes creates a shooting pain so strong my entire leg twitches. But if you’d really like to know what Joan is like, here are a few suggestions so you can get a good idea of my daily life.

If you don’t want to straight up break your lisfranc joint in your right foot, you wont get the full effect, but I understand if that’s not the route you take.

• First, keep your foot in an upright/straight position, even if you really, really want to relax it, you can’t!

• Next, put your foot in a snowboard boot… don’t have one of those? Go ahead and wrap your leg in some lead weights and then lift your leg onto a pile of pillows. Now, try to fall asleep. As a girl who generally sleeps curled up in a ball this is a very difficult task for me, how bout you?

• If you sleep through the night, the next task is to take a shower. You’re going to need a stool. No letting the other foot touch the ground, ever. Then try drying off, getting back to your room, picking out clothes, and getting dressed, all the while hopping on one foot (with the help of crutches when applicable). You may find that you’ve broken a sweat by the time your clothes are on, thus canceling out the fact that you just took a shower.

• Leave time to play with velcro for fifteen minutes before you’re ready to leave. Since my boot is made of 50% velcro all the straps get stuck to each other, making a simple task of latching a boot together, an annoying feat.

• No matter where you plan on going, make sure you’re good on stairs with crutches, or know where the handicap entrance is (many times they are located in the back of a building because no one wants to see you, duh). Also make sure you have a place to keep your leg up on a chair. It does not matter that your leg is getting tired, you can’t put it down…no cheating.

So next time you think you’re having a bad day because the weather sucks, try having a bad day because the weather sucks on crutches (you can’t carry an umbrella when you’re on crutches, fyi) on top of all those other annoyances I just mentioned.

Rent-a-Joan will make you appreciate life  and get over your petty worries such as breaking a nail, having a bad hair day, and most importantly having nothing to do. At least for you, you can return the Rent-a-Joan at any time, so remember your dear narrator Emily is stuck with the boot till at least NOVEMBER and the effects of Joan for even longer than that.

If you have two working feet, please spare me and don’t tell me you’re bored or your feet hurt from wearing heels all day – I’m already on the brink of insanity, no need to push me over the edge.