Joan’s Make Over

This post is for anyone that is curious about my current situation with Joan. You may have come across this link because you asked me how I was doing or what was new and I replied by giving you this URL. If Joan could talk she’d love to talk about herself all day, I know this because no matter what I do she refuses to let me forget about her (e.g. as soon as I was done watching a hilarious video my friend sent me  Joan punished me with shooting pain for even trying to enjoy myself). Despite her need for attention all the time, I like to avoid retelling the same story over and over again. If this is your first time reading this blog, I feel the need to explain: I write like a bitch when Joan is being a bitch…which is almost all the time.

So today I had a doctors appointment to get my stitches out. More than anything I was excited to get the dreaded cast off my leg for a little while and drill the doctor with questions. I first went to the cast room, I’ve become well acquainted with the people who work there, though sadly I don’t know their names. In any case, I told them all about my blog and my life, like they care, but I feel the need to fill silence (as many of you know). Joan is incredibly ugly without the cast on :

All together now, “eeewww”. After I got the cast off, I went to get an x-ray while everyone in the x-ray waiting room got to stare at my ugly foot (the blue lines on my foot are from when the doctor drew on me during surgery), got the x-ray then headed back to the cast room. Doctor says the x-rays look good…though I have still yet to see them EVER and I never feel like asking because I don’t really know what I’d get out of it. He tells me later down the road we might want to take the pins out due to some “symptoms” if I don’t.

“What symptoms doc?”

“You might feel them when you put on shoes”

NO THANK YOU. Although I know going through another surgery would suck (around October) I don’t want to feel Joan remains for the rest of my life if at all possible. Anyway, apparently Joan likes doctors because she never hurts at the office. So of course when the doctor asks how I’m feeling I say “You know, right now I’m ok.” So to the doctors, Joan is just a perfect ANGEL. But I have questions I refuse to go on answered this time, I fell for her tricks once or twice..but no longer.

“Well its ok now, but lately the pains been really bad, like shooting pain”

“Yes, that will happen, there is probably some nerve irritation going on” – Joan is on my last nerve thats for sure.

“What about the swelling? When I stand it swells up a lot. When will that stop?”

“Ha-Ha-Ha (silly stupid girl he thinks in his head), however long you think its going to take PLUS LONGER. It will go down gradually but there will be some sort of swelling for probably six months.” – F you Joan. Seriously.

“Why does it do that? It just freaks me out because it turns purple, is it bad for it to get like that.. I feel like it’s just going to fall off”

“Well that wont happen but call me if it does (laughs all around, doctor pulled a funny!) The reason why it gets like that is because during surgery we had to snip some veins, so now blood can easily get into the foot, but not as easily out.” – I know, I know, I almost threw up too.

Good news- HE GAVE ME A BOOT! No more cast mwahahaha. I still can’t walk on it, but I can take it off and shower without a bag over my leg, HOORAYYY. It’s the little things. Even Joan celebrated a little bit. Before the cast man put it on me, he took the stitches out, which felt like tweezing hair but a little worse. The boot is soft, though it looks somewhere between a space ship, a frankenstein, and hockey pads. It has a pump in the front to make it tighter or looser and has a million velcro straps.

The first 20 minutes or so in the boot were beautiful. Joan and I were both in heaven, ALMOST getting along, but I should have known it was a trick. As soon as I got home and put my foot up in bed, RAGING PAIN once again. What more do you want Joan?  You’re like an infant that can’t express what it wants so you just scream until I do something – whether it be meds, adjust the boot, fall asleep, or rub my toes… which seems just as irrational as an infant sucking its thumb, doesn’t really accomplish anything and yet it somehow comforts them.

And there you have it. Joan’s make over. Her appearance may have changed, but as always, she is still a huge bitch.